Give me time to process

I was not raised in a traditional household. I was not raised like my peers. I was not taught the basics of life so please give me time to learn. I am a growing individual who only just became aware that my parents were not good parents. This is not a post to bash my parents but to admit that I am aware that many of my flaws are because I did not know any better.

When I was younger, my family only praise me of one thing, my book smarts. When I tell you that the only thing that my family praise me on was my intelligence, I am saying that EVERYTHING else was criticized. I knew I had to keep up this facade because I knew myself of nothing else. There was nothing else I worked towards because I did not believe in myself to accomplish anything and it is because I never had that belief instilled in me.

It was up until last year when I hit rock bottom mentally and my folks were not there to help. It was then that I saw that they were not perfect. They did not have life figured out and they did not help because they did not know how to help. From that realization, I knew I had to be better. I had to figure this life thing out; learn why people, cultures, finances, politics, sexuality, religion, race, class and myself are important and how everything is connected.

On this journey, I am noticing that things that were important to me are not even on my radar anymore. Relationships, the thoughts of other people, parties, socialism in general has really taken a back burner in my life for quite a while. Most people are ignorant and although their ignorance is harmful for me, it is bliss for them. This is another obstacle that I must conquer but one step at a time.

I wish that I could revert back to being unaware of the negatives of life but I do care about politics, racism, classism, poverty, and education. These deflate the importance of almost all social aspects of my life as these things are chosen without my knowledge and/or against my wants. It takes a toll on my mental health because I am unsure what I could contribute. Many people are working on these things so there must be something but I am just a mere speck; who cares about my opinion? That is the fear in me talking, the voice saying that I can’t when I have yet to even try. Living in a world full of greed is draining when you can care less about having all of the money in the world but that is another story for a different day.

Learning about the basics of life has really showed me that some things are just not that basic. There are layers to things and this brain will be filled with as many layers of life as I can consume. Realizing these things has given me a different mindset. I think and move differently now. I am flawed but I am trying; I’m just not there yet.